Miss him

A place where getting in the “zone” is a good thing. <3

YUM!

LOL, my dad and I used to listen to this song on the way to tennis tournaments.

June 9, 2009

            I had an 8:30 AM appointment with Margaret the psychiatrist this morning and I was so tired! I was able to pull myself out of bed and was late but she was too so it worked out. We only got to meet for 30-40 minutes but so far I love her and she says we are going to get my life back! I then had my Dr. Foresman appointment right afterwards and had on my ugly “weigh day” clothes and tons of water. I was xxlbs with clothes but he also wanted a gown weight, which we will do from now on and I was xx-4lbs with uggboots still. I guess mom had called saying I needed to be weighed in a gown. I suppose it’s a good thing because now it won’t matter what I wear or how much I stuff in my pockets. Dad was really happy and said he was more happy about the gowned weight. I’m ok with it but started crying because how will I ever gain 16lbs by July 15^th and maintain it so that I can go back to school in the fall? My blood work was awesome except for my white blood cells, which dropped to 2.4 and my sodium, which dropped to 126. Dr. Foresman said those numbers weren’t the worst but that I would have to re-check them next week. I went to 3 markets afterwards and then came home for breakfast. I went for a 60-minute walk and had great energy, which felt nice. I then went downtown and then home for snack and to walk Jasper who was great. Then out to two more markets and home for lunch, which I now am eating at 9:00 PM all the time. I had a really good talk with mom about dad. I just needed to vent because I feel like no matter what I do it’s never good enough for him. I got great praise from my doctor, Margaret, and Debra yet I feel I don’t ever get recognized for my hard work from dad. It’s always, “well yeah, you at least aren’t losing a ton of weight etc.” Mom completely understood and agreed and it was so nice having her listen to me! I’m so connected to dad that I feel I’m responsible for his happiness. He puts a lot of pressure on me. It’s not like I had to be this famous professional tennis player for him yet he lets me know often enough how I used to have everything and now I don’t. I love him but I need some space!

            Life continued on and I slowly regained a lot of my strength. Dad and I began playing tennis everyday and I even went to the gym a few times for half an hour. My 21^st birthday came October 13^th and for the first time in what seemed like forever I actually ate my cake and enjoyed it! I weighed a good xxxlbs too. The only problem was ED was still as strong as ever only in a different form. I kept struggling with eating a balanced amount of calories and my weight was continuing to climb. I was at a healthy weight, but now what? I had no excuse to hide behind. I had nothing that made me special. I was no longer a nationally ranked tennis player or horseback rider. I was no longer a straight A student. I was no longer an anorexic. Who am I? I couldn’t just “be.” My all or nothing thinking took care of that for me. I was so mad at myself for gaining so much weight that I thought I would never get back to my so called goal weight of xx-xxlbs, so why even try? I failed, I blew it, I’m weak, I’m fat. Since I no longer looked the part for anorexia I certainly couldn’t go back to restricting and exercising to deal with stress… so I kept bingeing. I enjoyed finally being able to eat again but this was out of control. I was bingeing out of fear of becoming so sick again I would die, I was bingeing to make up for the many years I deprived myself, I was bingeing as a “fuck you” to my parents for making me gain weight in the first place, I was bingeing to give myself an excuse to not perform my best and isolate, I was bingeing because the word balance was nonexistent in my vocabulary.

prettyfoods:

(by Sugarbear (Bakingdom))

<3

May 27, 2009

Dad’s birthday dinner at Tahoe Joes was amazing! Mom, dad, and I got a huge piece of halibut and I ate almost all of mine as a present to him and he was so happy and we all had tons of fun. Then the cake. I said I didn’t want any because I was full and would rather have snack later. Well it really upset everyone and I walked off crying. I am so mad at myself! I talked to dad later and then we played cards and I felt a little better. Today has been amazing! I had my Dr. Foresman appointment and my weight was xxlbs! I however had two 16oz bottles of water beforehand as well as a cell-phone in my pocket, a sweatshirt on, and Ugg boots, but too bad! Guess what? I have no osteoperosis or osteopenia! In fact, my numbers looked great and Dr. Schack had even told dad it was 100% certain I would have osteoperosis, yet I don’t even have osteopenia hooray! I had great blood work too! Dr. Foresman is so awesome! We had a great talk and he is so proud of me and shocked at how good all my tests came back. Dad is so happy too! I then went to Trader Joes and had a really late breakfast. Next I went for a walk and called a lot of people. I made a dental appointment because my teeth are terrible… especially because there were many days at Torrance where I physically didn’t have the strength to even brush them. I then went to Albertsons quickly and then off to my hand appointment with David. I had so much fun there and had a good time talking with a girl named Nicole who was sitting next to me for physical therapy too. Afterwards I went shopping and then to Vons and came home for a late lunch. After I ate I took Jasper out and went for much too long of a walk. Then I went to New Frontiers and Starbucks. My restricting is getting way worse and my activity keeps increasing. I have Debra tomorrow at least and I’m really excited to see her! I can’t believe I weight xxlbs… I mean I know it was somewhat of an artificial weight but still it’s weird to see that number after seeing xx’s and xx’s for so long every week. I keep telling dad how happy I am and I actually am really happy about today and that I gained which is a new feeling. I have even been taking some snacks to go and have honestly been eating them despite being able not to! It’s true I do think I look worse, but it doesn’t make any sense because I’m doing what I’m supposed to (sort of), gaining weight, and have perfect blood work. It’s so confusing! I hate coming home because I feel ashamed that I have nothing to talk about… no sports, no school, job, etc. I really enjoy being out of the house even if it’s just to sit in the car. Erg! I have to go now…